Strong Opinions
Holiday Song Edition
I have this thing.
Every year, I wait to hear my first holiday jam until I’m in the car with one of the local Christmas stations playing. Whichever Christmas song I hear first is the one to set the mood for the season. Will it be a classic? Somber? A bop? It’s like a fun game of roulette that you can’t really lose.
But, believe it, I have some pretty strong opinions when it comes to different holiday songs….please reference last year’s 500 word rant about “Baby, It’s Cold Outside” as a feminist anthem in case you need proof. So to kick off December I’m sharing my strongly held opinions on several holiday songs…both the good and the bad. Enjoy!
This Christmas - Donny Hathaway
- Let me start this one off by saying “This Christmas” is easily one of my top five favorite Christmas songs. But there is some weird Mandela Effect shit going on with this song right here! Did you think Stevie Wonder sang this song? Cause he fucking doesn’t! It’s Donny Hathaway. What? Two years ago I found out Stevie Wonder did not, in fact, sing this song originally and it blew my mind. I asked everyone I knew who was familiar with this song and at least half also had a memory of Stevie Wonder singing it. While I CAN find a one minute video of Stevie Wonder singing it in the 2000s…it’s not right. It’s not the same memory of the song I have. And the hundreds of comments on the video say the same thing. Do you have a distinct memory of Stevie Wonder singing this song? Or have you always known it to be Donny Hathaway? Let me know in the comments. And so help me god if you bring up Chris Brown’s version…woof.
Wonderful Christmastime - Paul McCartney
- This song has won my first song of the season like three different years and I get angry every single time. It’s too catchy, the lyrics are stupid, and it’s just an overall terrible song. I’m also not that crazy about Paul McCartney or the Beatles in general which I think lends itself to my general distaste for this song. It also puts Christmas time as all one word…no thanks. But either way, if I never heard it again it would be a very happy holiday.
- Every song in Home Alone and Home Alone 2 is iconic. “Run Rudolph Run,” “Rockin’ Around the Christmas Tree,” that boy behind Kevin who emphatically sings his part of that “My Christmas Tree” song just to name a few. Hands down Home Alone has the best Christmas movie soundtrack of all time.
Christmas Shoes - Newsong
- This song is so ridiculous, Patton Oswalt even did a routine about it. Why in the world would they make this song? About a boy, wasting, most likely, the last night of his mom’s life, standing in line to buy shoes he can’t pay for? Did he see those shoes before? Didn’t he check the price? Like…was he just hoping someone would be there who would help pay for them? They even turned this song into a movie. A MOVIE! With Rob Lowe! That man will be in anything. None of it makes sense. Enjoy this student made video we found while I was researching.
I Want A Hippopotamus For Christmas - Gayla Peevey
- This song is weird and sung by a 10 year old who sounds like she’s about 47 all about wanting a hippo for Christmas. I fucking love it. It’s never played on the radio and it should be. I love singing it, I love her reasonings for wanting the hippo, I love how she’s already thought out the convenience of Santa’s delivery. She’s really worked out the whole thing and almost makes such a convincing argument that I’d run out and pick her up a hippopotamus.
Do You Hear What I Hear - Whitney Houston
- Religious Christmas songs are never really my thing except when it comes to this one. I can get down with pretty much any version but Whitney’s is by far the best. The background chorus? Nailing it. The way she staggers the words in the last verse? Love it. Her voice is so powerful always but she really killed it on this one. RIP girl.
Jingle Bells - Frank Sinatra
- “Jingle Bells” is usually a pretty boring song. Little kids scream sing it over and over again and I don’t need that. But Frank Sinatra’s version is fun! The doo-wop girls in the background and the way they spell out jingle is all a fun update to a song that is usually the first you learn as a kid.
Santa Tell Me - Ariana Grande
- Ariana, girl, you know Santa isn’t cupid, right? “Santa Tell Me” is a song where Ariana keeps asking Santa to prove how real he is by assuring her her current love will still be around come the holidays next year. That’s not Santa’s job. He’s got shit to do. He doesn’t have time to manage your love life. Call your girlfriends and lament to them so Santa can spend his time bringing you more scrunchies. I love Ari but this song kills me. I mostly hate the chorus with the weirdly tacked on “…next year” at the end of two different lines, like they wrote the whole song and were like “fuck…we have to make sure they know she’s talking about NEXT Christmas, just throw it at the end of the line, they’ll never notice!” I noticed. And I hate it.
Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer - Dean Martin
- Have you ever heard this version of Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer? I hate it. Dean Martin out here calling Rudolph, Rudy (MULTIPLE TIMES) like they’re old pals. Then he goes on to give Santa some kind of accent when he talks to Rudolph about guiding the sleigh and tops it all off with what sounds like him calling Rudolph the “red-dicked reindeer.” I swear to god. Like, I know he probably actually said “red-beaked reindeer” but listen to it and see what you hear. Big ol’ side-eye to Dean.
Christmas (Baby Please Come Home) Cover - Mariah Carey the Christmas Queen
- Surprise bitch, you thought “All I Want For Christmas is You” would be here, didn’t ya? Jokes on you. I don’t even look at All I Want For Christmas as a Christmas song anymore. My friends and I end every major event (weddings, bachelorette parties, house parties) with that song all year long. But Mariah Carey’s cover of “Christmas (Baby Please Come Home)?” Now that’s a song to talk about. Because it came from the same holiday album as “All I Want For Christmas is You,” “Christmas (Baby Please Come Home)” feels like it never really got a fair shake. While it does get radio play during the season, I never hear people getting as hyped for it and honestly…I think it’s the superior song of the two. I said it. While “All I Want For Christmas is You” may have reached iconic status, Mariah’s vocals are fucking bomb in the cover of Darlene Love’s 1960s classic. She’s also in a range that won’t make you blow out your vocals trying to sing along and I find that an absolute plus.
Which holiday songs send you on a rant and why? You know I love hearing this kinda shit so share them with me in the comments below!