Before It’s Too Late

Why Death Makes Us Awkward & Afraid

and What We Can Do To Change It

“The oldest and strongest emotion of mankind is fear, and the oldest and strongest kind of fear is fear of the unknown.” - H.P. Lovecraft

The entrance to the Paris Catacombs. “Stop!. This is the empire of the dead.”

Death. 

It’s the ultimate unknown and therefore, very likely, the ultimate fear. 

Skull art in the Paris Catacombs. (photo by me)

Human beings are cursed, or blessed depending on your outlook, with the knowledge of their own mortality and for many, that can be a scary thing. I know I’ve personally, on numerous occasions, been laying in bed in the middle of the night unable to sleep when suddenly I remember that I will cease to exist one day. And in that moment of realization, in the dark, I can physically feel my body short circuit from the inside out. A wave of intense anxiety and primal fear wash over me for a few moments until I either regain control and reasonable thinking or panic myself into sleep. It’s a gnarly feeling, 0/10 do not recommend. 

For something that we all inevitably deal with and eventually succumb to, humans, namely those of us in the U.S., are really terrible at handling death. We’re awkward around it, we consider it inappropriate or morbid to casually discuss, and we prefer those who are grieving to do so in private where we don’t have to interact with it. But why and how did that become the American norm? When did we go from home burials and family involvement in the entire death experience, to relinquishing our loved ones to strangers so we didn’t have to be bothered with the nitty gritty of it?

Well, apparently, after the Civil War. See, as the war broke out and bodies were strewn on battlefields throughout the country, families wanted their loved ones returned home for burial. This, of course, lead to  embalming as a way to keep the body from decaying on its journey. It wasn’t long after, that military cemeteries were established along with the expansive cemetery styles we’re familiar with today and graves on the family property became, more or less, obsolete.

The Père Lachaise cemetery in Paris.

After becoming so removed from the process that surrounds burials and death, it’s no real surprise that we became averse to anything involving it. Without that familiarity people once had with death (regularly caring for dying loved ones as opposed to having them in a hospital or care facility, helping to wash, dress, and present the body,) it’s become an unknown entity. Something unfamiliar and scary. Dead bodies make us uneasy, too many horror movies have infiltrated the public consciousness making us always worry that just maybe the dead could come back to get us. Funeral homes put make-up on our dead to make them appear more “lifelike,” as though that person is just asleep, all in the hopes it will keep us from freaking out because we are too uncomfortable to accept that the dead are just not going to look the same as the living. 

There’s nothing wrong with being comforted in your grief to see the person you love still looking like you remember them. But the fact that we can’t really accept and appreciate death as a normal part of life, not meant to be looked at as scary but rather as a natural conclusion to what we began at birth, is kinda sad. We spend so much of our lives worrying and agonizing over death which is honestly kinda wild, because once we’re dead….that’s it. It’s not like there’s anything you can do about it. Why can’t we, as Americans, embrace death the way other cultures do?

One of the many interesting headstones found in the Père Lachaise cemetery

In the U.S., our funerals are bleak, somber, and dark in color and mood. Due to our nation’s dominant Christianity, death is not looked at as a time to celebrate. But in some Central and South American countries, like Mexico, Nicaragua, and Costa Rica, families hold big celebrations for their dead where guests stay up all night drinking, dancing, sharing stories of their loved ones, and decorating their graves with banners and offerings. In Ghana, the dead are buried in amazing caskets called Fantasy Coffins. These coffins are especially made and sculpted to uniquely represent its inhabitant. They can be made in the likeness of a loved ones favorite hobby, animal, or character trait. They turn death into art!

Death has touched my personal group of friends more often than might be expected in a group of people still so relatively young, but because of that, we’ve adapted a sense of humor about it amongst one another that others have definitely found weird or ghoulish when we share. We’ve created our own list of ridiculous and funny (to us) plans for our own funerals. Ranging from ashes being lifted into the sky via balloon and ignited with a flaming arrow as Katy Perry’s ‘Firework’ plays in the background to a sword in the stone style casket where mourners get to try their hand at yanking the sword of Gryffindor out (and trust me…those are likely the tamest of the bunch,) our funeral plans are easily my favorite thing we’ve ever come up with as a group. Will they come to fruition…I mean probably not. But, I’m already comforted at the idea that when one of us do die, the rest of us will have their wack ass funeral plan to remember them and laugh about amidst the inevitable sadness. 

At the end of the day, there is no right or wrong way to handle death. We grow up in different cultures which shape our response to death and no one culture’s way to deal with death is better than another. It is up to us, individually, to decide how we want to approach death. Personally, I don’t want to be panicky about the deaths of those around me and I don’t want to worry about what happens after I die because at that point, I can’t do shit about it.

I’m committed to making a conscious effort to not look at death as a big scary unknown but to embrace it as a friend at the end of a long journey. I’m committed to restructuring my outlook of funerals as a way to celebrate our loved ones lives instead of just mourning their deaths. And I’m committed to making death a less taboo topic, because the more we talk about something, the less scary it becomes. 

The Lafayette No. 2 cemetery in New Orleans

What are your feelings toward death? Was it something regularly discussed in your family or was it avoided until absolutely necessary? How did that shape your outlook on death and funerals today? I want to hear all about it in the comments below!